I'm officially halfway done.
It doesn't feel possible, but I've completed more than half
of the biggest thing in my life so far, the thing that everything has been
building up to.
I've learned a lot so far, and have a lot more to learn. As I'm
rolling around a year of being out here, which will be this thursday, I've been
thinking of what I've learned in this last year. I certainly don't feel like
I've been out here for a year. There are so many moments where I feel like I've
done absolutely nothing in my entire time as a missionary. Many days, it feels
like I have no purpose out here. I wish I could say I've always been 100%
perfect, but obviously nobody can, so that has weighed on my mind occasionally
as well, not working how or as hard as I would like to, being as obedient as I
should, making mistakes, but constantly improving and when I mess up I try to
fix it. But even though it doesn't feel like I've done a lot out here, even
though I have seen almost no "success" in terms of how most people
measure their missionary success, I have learned some important things.
The
fact that you do not see the results of your good actions does NOT mean that
they are for nothing. They say all the time that we are planting seeds out
here. It's really hard to feel like a successful farmer when you go around
travelling various places, planting seeds wherever you go, working really hard
on some seeds, always planting, and then having to leave before even seeing a
hint of a sprout. But that doesn't mean something hasn't started. It doesn't
mean that the effort has been in vain. Those seeds can and will grow and
prosper. I wake up every day, do nearly the same thing, while always obviously
trying new methods when the old ones don't work, and almost never see anything
come out of it. But I've learned to understand that little things we do can
have impacts in the most unexpected ways. And I've learned that even when I
don't see immediate blessings or rewards from my righteous choices/actions,
that doesn't change the fact that God is good, and when I wake up in the
morning after a "failure" of a day, the church is still just as true
today as it was yesterday.
We learn quickly out here that if you base your faith on
outward signs, such as baptisms or whatever it may be, because you feel like
you've done all that you were supposed to, you're going to go crazy and/or get
depressed. Haha it is a frequent subject of discussion among missionaries out
here how we see friends or relatives in other missions, talking about all the
success they're seeing, and complaining about things that we'd be rejoicing
over, and some talk about it as if, if that wasn't the case and they weren't
seeing baptisms every week, or meeting with multiple people regularly, that
they'd give up. That seeing success is the only way to be a good missionary.
Honestly I know a few missionaries out here who are super close to just not
talking to some of their friends because they keep saying things like, "it
must be that you guys don't have enough faith," or things like that.
I'm
so glad that I got to come here and serve in this great country among this
wonderful people to be able to see that sometimes, even when we try our
hardest, we don't get to see the immediate results of our actions. I firmly
believe that actions I've taken out here will lead to baptisms somehow,
somewhere, in some way that I will most likely never see. And it doesn't bother
me to know that I won't see a lot of success out here. Each mission is
different and teaches and helps missionaries in it's own way. I have learned
many things about life, myself, the Gospel, and other things that I needed to
learn, and I still have a long way to go.
If I could say anything to sum up my experiences out here so
far, I would simply say that I've grown up. I've gone from following people
around all the time, not knowing what I'm doing at all, to now being a DL and
senior companion, and there's almost certainly more that I'll have to do. And
at this point I finally feel like I actually can haha! I don't feel like a
child anymore, though I still act like one occasionally ;) At this point in my
mission, I'm kind of old. Not super old, but I know what I'm doing.
And the
thing that weirds me out the most is that I'm the same age right now as my
first district leader was when I got into the country, and he leaves at the end
of next transfer. My whole mission, he and others around his same mission age
have been kind of my role models and I've kind of looked up to them for my
whole time out here. They will all be gone very soon and we're getting a new
mission president, and everything's going to be different and me and the rest
of my MTC group are going to be the big men on campus haha. But seriously, in
two transfers, the only people from my first district still left out here will
be me and Elder L, who was in my MTC group!!!
Haha I kind of decided a while
ago that I just need to embrace this. So I'm no longer going crazy at how I
still feel young, although I do. From now on I'm going to make the most of what
I have left and learn and grow as much as I can while helping others to do the
same.
This mission is the greatest thing to ever happen to me.
I've grown and learned so much. I highly recommend a mission to anybody who is
thinking about it. My testimony and understanding of the principles and
doctrines of the church have increased profoundly. I love this church, I love
my mission, I love Romania and the Romanian people and language, I love all the
great missionaries I get to serve with, I love all of my family and friends and
all those who have supported me and/or helped me with my decision and ability
to serve. I have a year left out here, and I plan to make the most out of it!!
This week, as per usual, not too much happened, although I
had a meeting with the branch mission leader about having some branch
activities and so we're planning some in the coming weeks. We also went to
Lipova, the Șoimoș fortress ruins, with quite literally some of the most
gorgeous scenery I've ever seen in my entire life. It was super fun!
I love Romania!!!
Love,
Elder DeGraw
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